11 Websites To Save You Cash During The Recession

JollyJohns.com: Free Condoms

You shouldn't let an economic crisis put a crimp in your safe sex. That'd be silly, you herpes-harboing fool. As everyone knows, the only truly safe sex is in the butt... or something. But just in case you wanna do it in the vagina (as my dad calls it) and you're hard on cash, hit up JollyJohns.com for some free condoms. Trojan also has a free condom section of their website but you have to check off a box that says you "pledge" to use a condom each and every time. And that's just too much pressure, man. I ain't pledging nothin' till I see my lawyer.

Conklinoffice.com: Used Office Furniture

A juuuust under $1000 Aeron chair was said to be the symbol of opulence during the first dot-com bubble. Well, no one can accuse you of opulence when your office is filled with used furniture from Conklin. For the price of one Aeron chair, you can furnish an entire room using Conklin. A chair is a chair, dude. If you can get something for 90% off and it only has a couple stains, you'd be stupid to not go for it. Just because some recently-fired computer programmer went postal and shot up his entire office doesn't mean that office's furniture should go to waste.

Jayparkinsonmd.com: Free Medical Advice

To paraphrase "Pulp Fiction," JayParkinsonMD.com is like WebMd with a pulse. Rather than attempt to wildly self diagnose yourself with various forms of skin cancers, you can IM, video chat, text or email your symptoms to the good doctor and he'll let you know what various forms of skin cancer you have. The doctor might be a bit of a douche, but the saying is pretty true: you get what you pay for.

eRideshare.com: Online Carpool Service

Don't the site's Web 1.0 design throw you off; eRideshare.com is one of the most used sites for setting up car pools on the internet (outside of randomly trolling Craig's List). Best case scenario, you save gas and make new friends. Worst case scenario? Your body's found cut into quarters and left in the ditch outside of your office park. But don't worry, I bet that won't happen (riiiiight).

GarageSaleHunter.com: Uhm... It's a Garage Sale Hunter

Like eRideshare, GarageSaleHunter.com's design is hilariously outdated (I mean really, comic's cartoon font? C'mon). But also like eRideshare, Garagesalehunter is pretty useful. Now for me personally, I find garage sales to be pretty gross. The only shit I buy from them are records and hilarious novelty items (like my "Family Matters" choose your own adventures novels). But if you're really not doing well, you can find some great shit at a garage sale. When looking for a sale, you can click on your state and specify what item you want to find. With a little clicking around, I found a garage sale that has a new wedding dress and a nativity scene for sale. The two things I need! Thanks, garagesalehunter.com!

Swaptree.com: Trade stuff

Back when I was in college, we used to post flyers for stuff we wanted to trade. If we had an old TV and wanted a, say, PS2, we'd leave a flyer in the dorm saying something like: "I have a fucking tremendous TV. Give me your ps2 for it or I'll be fucking shocked. Cuz it's THAT much of an awesome TV. You douche." These flyers rarely worked. Man, I wish I had swaptree.com back then. Cuz then I could find other like-minded swappin' fools who want to trade books, music, dvds and video games. Sheeeit, I think I'm gonna trade my PS2 for a PS3 on here. Wish me luck!

eSmokes.com: Cheap Cigarettes

Smoking is a vile, imbecilic pastime that only leads to diminished funds and a painful, cancer-filled death. But! If you already smoke, you should buy some cheap cigs on eSmokes.com. It used to be easy as pie to buy cheap  (tax free) ciggies from Canada online. Well, the government types cracked down on that and, with the shocking development that the Canadian dollar is killin' the US dollar right now, I'm not so sure the cigs would be that cheap anyways. But cigs are still a tremendous rip off in the stores, so you should hit up eSmokes. If you HAVE to smoke. You bastard.

Gasbuddy.com: Find Cheap Gas

Gas is expensive. FUCKING expensive. Yes, we all know that it's always been a rip off in Europe. So? That's why we live in America. So we can drive around for cheap. And while GasBuddy.com won't find you free gas or anything life changing, the site WILL find the cheapest gas that's posted in your area. Looking at the prices listed in NYC, for example, the range in prices from highest to lowest is nearly 50 cents a gallon. That's pretty significant. Now I know to never, ever go to the Sunoco in White Plains unless I want t pay 4.69 a gallon.

Publicdomaintorrents.com: Free (legal) movies

Everyone steals music and movies. Everyone. The last time I was at Church I caught one of the priests downloading "I Am Legend" illegally. Hey, at least he wasn't touching kids. But regardless, I'm not gonna link to any illegal torrent sites here. You know about em, I know about em and I don't wanna get sued. That'd blow ass chunks. But what you may or may not know is that there's a long list of movies that, for some reason, ended up in the public domain. And thanks to that, you can legally download them. PublicDomainTorrents.com has links to trackers and posts user-written reviews of the movies as well. So if you're a cheap son of a bitch who doesn't want to break the law, hit this shit uppppp.

Mint.com: Free Money Management

The extent of my money management is counting the singles in my pocket before heading to the strip club. But if you're doing better than me and want a free site that'll help you out, Mint.com might be the site for you. Again, I wouldn't know. I spend all my money on very old strippers at Nipple Fist's (my local watering hole).

MyOpenBar.com: Free Beeeeer!

If you live in NYC, Chicago, LA, San Francisco or Miami, MyOpenBar.com is the best site on the internet. It's an online directory/calendar listing your city's various open bars. Now, having raided a random open bar in the past, I'll give you a word of warning... that first drink can be awkward. You're all, "Dang, well, I will have a... hmm, who's birthday is it again? Should I tip the bar tender, or..." But ONLY that first drink. The next four or five drinks will go down like a party. This site is fucking AMAZING.