5 Badass Lizards (Yes, Lizards.)

By Damien on January 27, 2014 - 2:41 am | Permalink

Appreciating reptiles is a purely male trait. Chicks cannot possibly understand the joy of being a young boy and catching a lizard in the back yard. That being said, dudes who actually own snakes are pretty much always weird.

The Thorny Devil

badass lizards

Name Scientist Dudes Call It: Moloch Horridus

God damn, look at that thing. That's not the kind of lizard you'd catch in the back yard—that's the kind of creature you'd have nightmares about. As you can imagine, the thorny devil lizard doesn't really have to worry about predators too much, since his skin is literally covered in spikes. And if something does eat him, well, they're going to experience some indegestion.

On an unrelated note, “thorny devil” is what I nicknamed my wang.

The Mexican Mole Lizard

badass lizards

Name Scientist Dudes Call It: Bipes Biporus

“Introducing the perfect lizard for the guy who doesn't want to commit to owning a snake.”

No but seriously, this thing is creepy as hell. It's basically snake with arms that can burrow underground. The weirdest part is that those arms are it—it doesn't have any back legs. Just one long slithery body.

Dwarf Chameleons

badass lizards

Name Scientist Dudes Call It: Brookesia Minima

D'awww.

Gila Monsters

badass lizards

Name Scientist Dudes Call It: Heloderma Suspectum

Gila monsters have a weird, beaded texture on their skin, but that's not what makes them badass—they're one of the only lizards in the world that can deliver a motherfreaking neurotoxin from their teeth. Basically that means you're screwed if one bites you (or at least you'll be in quite a lot of pain).

Komodo Dragon

badass lizards

Name Scientist Dudes Call It: Varanus Komodoensis

This list wouldn't be complete without mentioning creatures that are basically real life dinosaurs. Pictured is a young komodo dragon. It's really cute but it would still eat your babies in a heartbeat.

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